Breaking Down The Aggressive Communicator

Written by: Laura Janzen / Communication Coaching / March 31, 2021 / 10 minutes read

When we discuss communication styles, there are 3 main categories one may fall into. To briefly summarize, the passive communicator tends to put the needs of others before their own, the aggressive communicator puts their needs first, and the communication sweet spot in between is the assertive communicator, a speaker that equally values their needs and the needs of others. The communication styles are explained in more detail here.

If you often receive feedback that you are “short”, “blunt”, “intimidating” or even “rude” it’s likely that you are someone who leans towards being an aggressive communicator. Now, this doesn’t mean that you are intentionally being cruel or dismissive of others. In reality, most aggressive communicators I’ve worked with feel that others misunderstand their intentions, and they are frustrated with being seen as aggressive. In my sessions, I often see clients who express difficulties forming and maintaining lasting friendships, as well as difficulty forming new connections within the professional environment. Interestingly, many of these individuals cannot identify why they are having difficulty. So, let’s take a minute to breakdown what qualities of someone’s communication may lead them to come across as aggressive. 

I will breakdown the aggressive communicator into 4 main areas: what you say, how you say it, when you say it and what you say without saying anything at all (i.e. non-verbal communication)

What You Say – Don’t Play the Blame Game

When sharing your opinions, making requests, giving instructions or giving feedback, the words you use to you frame your idea can totally change how it will be received and acted upon by the listener. Aggressive communicators are more likely to use blaming language such as “You” statements which elicits defensiveness in their communication partners. For example, if someone is explaining a concept to an aggressive communicator, and they are not following, the aggressive communicator might express this confusion by saying “You’re not making any sense”. Assertive communicators on the other hand, use “I” statements to take responsibility instead of blaming the other person, for example “I’m not following, can you explain it a different way?”. “I” statements are especially important for managing conflict. More tips on managing conflict assertively are explained here.

How you say it – Watch your tone

“It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it!”. If this is something you’ve heard before, it might be time to look deeper than just the words you’re saying. One of the most difficult aspects of their communication that aggressive communicators struggle to correct is the way they delivery their message. Speaking quickly and loudly can be intimidating to a listener and can give off the impression that your angry even if you’re just in a hurry or a naturally loud talker. Additionally, tone of voice is important to monitor when speaking. Using sarcasm, for example, is a typical speaking behaviour of aggressive communicators. The only thing using sarcasm will do, is show the other person you are hostile, annoyed and lacking maturity. It will not help you to find a solution. For example, if your partner says they’re baking a cake but you’re trying to eat healthy instead of saying “Oh ya that’s a GREAT idea, that’s REALLY going to help me hit my goal weight by the summer” try being authentic about why you’re opposed to this idea “I’ve been trying to eat healthy and I would really appreciate it if we could limit the number of sweets in the house”.

When sharing your opinions, making requests, giving instructions or giving feedback, the words you use to you frame your idea can totally change how it will be received and acted upon by the listener.

When you say it – Wait your turn

No one likes to be interrupted. In my experience, one of the main reasons aggressive communicator become socially isolated or feel that no one wants to talk to them is because they are not allowing for equal turn taking in a conversation. Even if you have important input to give, be sure to wait for an appropriate moment to insert your idea and avoid cutting off another person mid-thought.

Body Language and Facial Expression – Actions speak louder than words

Even if you say the right thing, at the right time, in the right way, there is still one other pitfall of aggressive communication that you may fall into, aggressive body language and facial expressions. As I’m sure you’ve heard before, actions speak louder than words, and the same is true in conversation. If you have your arms folded across your chest as you speak, this will come across as cold and intimidating. If you roll your eyes, while someone is sharing their thoughts, regardless of how you verbally respond, this person can already sense you’re unhappy with their suggestion. Aggressive non-verbal behaviours are equally as detrimental to communication as the words that come out of your mouth.

Putting it all together

Having worked with many aggressive communicators, I have found that these individuals are often unknowingly exhibiting the behaviours above and don’t understand why they are seen 

as intimidating and harsh. Breaking down a client’s communication and understanding the aggressive communication tendencies they have, allows them to gain self-awareness and start shifting towards an assertive communication style. If you recognize yourself in the above descriptions and want to learn more about being an assertive communicator, you can either book an initial consultation or sign up for our assertive communication master courses.

To speak with one of the speech-language pathologists at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, schedule an initial consultation by clicking the link below or calling (647) 795-5277.