Active Listening
Written by: Dain Hong / Social Communication / July 08, 2020 / 5 minutes read
In his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey writes “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” This raises the need for active listening in conversation. If our intention in listening is to compose a reply, we are not truly listening.
What is real listening?
McKay et al. in the book Messages: The communication book, records that real listening seeks to accomplish one of four things: to understand someone, enjoy someone, learn something new, and to provide help or support. While it seems almost too simple, it takes much interest and curiosity to be driven solely by these pure intentions.
When reasons for listening fall outside of these, you begin wandering into the pseudo-listening territory. Consider these signs of pseudo-listening:
Convincing people you’re interested so they would like you
Listening for one piece of information and ignoring others
Buying time to prepare your next comment
Looking for weaknesses in their argument so that you could be right
Assessing listeners’ responses and ensuring to produce the desired effect
Half listening as that is what is expected of a kind person
Half listening because you don’t want to hurt or offend the other person
The common thread in the pseudo-listening characteristics above is egoism. The pseudo listener is driven so strongly by self-interest and self-gain that the communication partner is completely disregarded.
What are some blocks to listening?
There are structural distractions that keep us from actively listening. Consider the seven common blocks below. One block to listening is comparing. This involves assessing who is more intelligent, competent, and emotionally healthy. When listening to another’s experience, these thoughts could arise: “I’ve had it harder”, “I could do it better”, and “I earn more than that.”
Another block to listening is mind reading. With little objective evidence, one may start to conclude what the other is really thinking and feeling. One may make assumptions and misinterpret their reactions and words. “He probably thinks that I’m boring” or “I bet she’s intimidated by my eloquence” are two examples.
Real listening seeks to accomplish one of four things: to understand someone, enjoy someone, learn something new, and to provide help or support.
A third commonly observed barrier is rehearsing. This block is similar to preparing a script. The script almost never plays out as planned, since the communication partner is his or her own agent, but it does not deter individuals from attempting it anyway. In the individual’s mind, they plan “I’ll say A, then he’ll say B, and then I’ll say C.”
Moreover, there is also the block of judging. This is a dangerous barrier that does not allow an individual to truly comprehend the other’s stance. Users of this block may quickly judge a statement as immoral, hypocritical, fascist or just plain crazy. This initial perception prevents further understanding, and communication becomes a mere presentation of perspectives. It is of importance that individuals make judgements after having listened fully to an idea and evaluated its content.
Probably the most relatable barrier is that of dreaming. When one is dreaming, they are off in their own world, oblivious to the message of the other. These dreams often exist in a chain of associations initiated by what the other has said. For example, if the other is sharing a story about their being laid off, the pseudo-listener may begin to imagine what it would be like for themselves to be laid off. Rather than the connection being used to sympathize, it works to isolate.
Sixth is the block of identifying. When one listens to the stories of others, one may be reminded of a similar personal experience that consumes their attention. Due to their engrossment in their own story, they are no longer able to focus on the current story of the other. An instance of this may be when a friend shares with you about how his dog had passed away, and you begin thinking of the time when your cat was ill.
Finally, there is the block of placating—or pleasing and appeasing. When individuals are occupied with coming off as nice, pleasant and supportive, they agree with everything the other says without giving it much thought. In fact, such a response prohibits them from authentically tuning in and critically observing the other’s idea. Individuals who may use this may often respond with the following words: right, absolutely, I know, of course you are, incredible, yes.
Where do you stand?
How authentic is your listening? Which of these pseudo-listening traits and listening blocks could you relate with?
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (1995). Messages: the communication book. p. 5-23 Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
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