In his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey writes “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” This raises the need for active listening in conversation. If our intention in listening is to compose a reply, we are not truly listening.
What is real listening?
McKay et al. in the book Messages: The Communication Book, records that real listening seeks to accomplish one of four things: to understand someone, enjoy someone, learn something new, and to provide help or support. While it seems almost too simple, it takes much interest and curiosity to be driven solely by these pure intentions.
When reasons for listening fall outside of these, you begin wandering into the pseudo-listening territory. Consider these signs of pseudo-listening:
- Convincing people you’re interested so they would like you
- Listening for one piece of information and ignoring others
- Buying time to prepare your next comment
- Looking for weaknesses in their argument so that you could be right
- Assessing listeners’ responses and ensuring to produce the desired effect
- Half listening as that is what is expected of a kind person
- Half listening because you don’t want to hurt or offend the other person
The common thread in the pseudo-listening characteristics above is egoism. The pseudo listener is driven so strongly by self-interest and self-gain that the communication partner is completely disregarded.
What are some blocks to listening?
There are structural distractions that keep us from actively listening. Consider the seven common blocks below. One block to listening is comparing. This involves assessing who is more intelligent, competent, and emotionally healthy. When listening to another’s experience, these thoughts could arise: “I’ve had it harder”, “I could do it better”, and “I earn more than that.”
Another block to listening is mind reading. With little objective evidence, one may start to conclude what the other is really thinking and feeling. One may make assumptions and misinterpret their reactions and words. “He probably thinks that I’m boring” or “I bet she’s intimidated by my eloquence” are two examples.
Real listening seeks to accomplish one of four things: to understand someone, enjoy someone, learn something new, and to provide help or support.
A third commonly observed barrier is rehearsing. This block is similar to preparing a script. The script almost never plays out as planned, since the communication partner is his or her own agent, but it does not deter individuals from attempting it anyway. In the individual’s mind, they plan “I’ll say A, then he’ll say B, and then I’ll say C.”
Moreover, there is also the block of judging. This is a dangerous barrier that does not allow an individual to truly comprehend the other’s stance. Users of this block may quickly judge a statement as immoral, hypocritical, fascist or just plain crazy. This initial perception prevents further understanding, and communication becomes a mere presentation of perspectives. It is of importance that individuals make judgements after having listened fully to an idea and evaluated its content.
Probably the most relatable barrier is that of dreaming. When one is dreaming, they are off in their own world, oblivious to the message of the other. These dreams often exist in a chain of associations initiated by what the other has said. For example, if the other is sharing a story about their being laid off, the pseudo-listener may begin to imagine what it would be like for themselves to be laid off. Rather than the connection being used to sympathize, it works to isolate.
Sixth is the block of identifying. When one listens to the stories of others, one may be reminded of a similar personal experience that consumes their attention. Due to their engrossment in their own story, they are no longer able to focus on the current story of the other. An instance of this may be when a friend shares with you about how his dog had passed away, and you begin thinking of the time when your cat was ill.
Finally, there is the block of placating—or pleasing and appeasing. When individuals are occupied with coming off as nice, pleasant and supportive, they agree with everything the other says without giving it much thought. In fact, such a response prohibits them from authentically tuning in and critically observing the other’s idea. Individuals who may use this may often respond with the following words: right, absolutely, I know, of course you are, incredible, yes.
Where do you stand?
How authentic is your listening? Which of these pseudo-listening traits and listening blocks could you relate with?
Many people come to the clinic wanting to work on improving their overall communication/conversational skills. With most often the main problem being carrying conversations. They may experience difficulties with not knowing what to say to carry the conversation or just feeling like they are blank and do not have much to add to the conversation. When someone comes to the clinic describing these difficulties they are having, we often look at active listening skills first. Many people do not take into account that sometimes the reason they are having communication problems can be closely related to poor active listening skills.
Active listening is crucial when it comes to good communication skills. Think about it, when in conversation we are usually listening almost half the time. While listening we should be listening with not only our ears but our entire body and mind. We have to be fully engaged in the conversation in order to really understand what the other person is saying. We have to make sure we fully understand what the other person is saying as well as paying attention to their non-verbal cues , to respond effectively and carry the conversation. Often people who do not have strong active listening skills feel like they do not know how to respond because they allow their own thoughts to take over their minds while someone is speaking, and this leads to not actually fully taking in what the other person is saying.
Often people might also be trying to form responses in their mind, or trying to figure out what they can say next. This also stops them from being fully present in the conversation, and may even make it more difficult for them when it is time to respond. This is because they may have missed a lot of crucial information the other person was sharing, that they can no longer respond to, as they did not hear the messages being shared.
If you are having trouble with your listening skills, do not worry, active listening is something that can improve with practice. The more you are conscious of it and applying active listening skills throughout your daily life the better these skills will become with time. With improved active listening skills, personal relationships, professional relationships, and also conflicts can be enhanced.
When it comes to active listening there are a few areas of active listening that we have to be sure we are using and engaging. One of those being eye contact. Eye contact is important when we are listening because it shows we are engaged and paying attention to the conversation. As a listener we should be providing even more eye contact then the speaker. When giving good eye contact this lets our communication partner know that we are paying attention as we are not getting distracted by other things around us, or look like we do not want to be in the conversation if good eye-contact is not maintained.
Active listening is something that can improve with practice. he more you are conscious of it and applying active listening skills throughout your daily life the better these skills will become with time.
Head-nodding is also important when showing we are listening, as we nod- along this shows the speaker that we are following and listening to what they are saying. Though nodding may not always be enough, because as a listener we should also be responding effectively to what is being said, making appropriate relatable comments, or asking more open-ended questions. If we were just to nod, sometimes we can get lost in that nod, and then we risk our own personal thoughts starting to take over, and stop fully listening to our communication partner. Asking open-ended questions encourages the speaker to say more, and provides us with more information that we can respond to. Asking questions can also help keep the conversation going, without having those awkward pauses of not knowing what to say.
We also want to make sure that as a listener we have appropriate facial expressions. That we are giving appropriate facial expressions to what is being said ‘i.e., smiling if someone tells a joke’ to show engagement. Paraphrasing is another form of showing that we have been listening because this allows us to confirm our understanding of what is being said as well as show the speaker that we have really been engaged and listening to their key points. As a listener when we respond appropriately to what is being said, this shows that we value what the speaker is saying. This will allow for both the speaker and listener to feel satisfied in the conversation.
Empathy is another very important aspect of active listening. When we are empathetic we show that we are understanding the others emotions. This is really important in conversation, as emotions are consistently involved, and showing that we can relate to the speaker by trying to understand their emotions and feelings, shows that we care about the speaker and the conversation. Sometimes we just have to validate the person’s emotions even if we have a different perspective or do not agree with what the person is saying. Validation still shows that you are trying to take in and understand their perspective, this allows for the speaker to feel understood and not like they are being judged. We also want to make sure to observe non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and body language that what the speaker is saying is also being communicated through their body language. Many times, people may be saying one thing, but something else can be communicated through their body language. Being able to observe the speakers non- verbal communication will allow us to understand the full message, not just bits and parts of it.
Furthermore, it is crucial to allow the speaker to finish their message and not jump to assumptions of what they may say or interrupt what the speaker is saying. This will make the speaker feel less valued, and can also throw off their train of thought. Waiting for pauses in the conversation are appropriate moments to say something when we would like to share something as a listener.
Active listening is a crucial part of overall communication and conversational skills. When using active listening appropriately our communication partner will feel heard and understood. It will allow for clear communication to take place, and allow for relationships to grow.
To speak with a speech-language pathologist at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy, schedule an initial consultation by booking online or calling (647) 795-5277.
