Have you ever started thinking about what you just said and it makes you lose your train of thought? Or have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I say that?” or “I should have used this word instead.” If you have replayed a conversation in your head after, or even for a few days after it has ended, then you are not alone. Many times, I have clients coming to me saying that they often feel they can’t participate well in conversations because they are constantly overthinking everything. I have especially gotten this feedback from those who have English as a second language, as they are constantly scanning for the correct words, or trying to fit in or sound more like a native speaker would. Often, they may even hold back from talking at all, as they lack confidence and worry about what others may think. People may also overthink situations when they want to make a good impression and communicate well.
This overthinking may often start before the conversation even happens. Some may think about how they are going to start a conversation, what they are going to say, or even how the conversation is going to go before the conversation has even happened. So, when the conversation actually starts, all this overthinking can begin to take over. There are too many thought processes going on, and trying to remember what was rehearsed can actually make the conversation even worse in the end. It becomes more difficult in conversation because not only are you thinking about how to respond appropriately, but you also have to listen to the other person and maintain appropriate non-verbal communication for the conversation to go well.
Conversation should not be about overthinking, though. You have to think that the conversation should develop more naturally, as both parties are talking and asking questions at the same time. Sometimes, the thing you thought of saying may not even come up by the time you want to say it, as the conversation may have taken a different turn.
Conversations do not need to be perfect. Even those who are known to be good speakers do not always have flawless conversations or presentations. They just learn how to navigate through it when something does go wrong. The key isn’t to get rid of overthinking altogether, but to learn some strategies to have to fall back on when communication doesn’t go as planned. Having this plan in place can also help lower the anxiety associated with the conversation and, over time, greatly reduce overthinking.
Follow these tips for good conversations and to minimize overthinking.
Listening is key
Most of the time when we are overthinking and worrying about our next response, this takes away from listening. It becomes difficult to be fully present when your brain is somewhere else. You may be hearing them but not fully processing their message, so when they stop talking, you feel lost and don’t know what to say. This is often the result of not listening.
The goal is to try to shift the attention from your internal thoughts to the person you are talking with. Listen to the key information being shared so that you can comment or ask a question to keep the conversation going. Instead of thinking, “What should I ask?” listen to their message. For example, it can be something as simple as, “Oh, I didn’t do anything last night, just had dinner and went to bed.” You may ask, “What did you have for dinner?” If a simple question like that is asked, it may expand the conversation into something else. Maybe you start talking about the specific dish the person had or where you have tried it.
The goal is not to overthink the perfect response to what is being said, because there is none. The goal is to engage and make a genuine connection in the conversation you are in. Even if you use the simplest response, it will still get you further than saying nothing.
If you don’t know what to say, focus on a question
If you can ask one question based on what someone has said, this can help expand the topic and show that you are genuinely interested in what the person is saying. For example, like the dinner example I gave earlier. It is a fairly simple response without much information in it. But if you focus on asking that one question, it may expand.
For example:
“What did you have for dinner?”
“I made tacos.”
“I love tacos. What kind did you have?”
“Chicken tacos.”
“I went to a taco place once that had the most amazing tacos. It was called Eldorado. Have you been?”
“No, I haven’t been there, but I’ll have to check it out.”
“What are some of your favourite Mexican restaurants?”
This is an example of how one question, after receiving information, can continue to expand the conversation and lead to something where you and your conversation partner can both discuss and relate to each other.
Commenting
Though asking questions is important it shouldn’t be the only thing we rely on. But we should also try to relate and comment on what is being said. Having a good conversation is not just about asking questions, though these are very important. Sharing about yourself and relating to what is being said is also crucial for a more natural conversation, instead of a conversation beginning to feel like an interview.
When sharing something about yourself, the other person also begins to get to know you. We may choose to ask a question first, respond to the question, and then share something from your side. Even a small, short comment is enough to balance the conversation so it doesn’t feel like an interview. It doesn’t always have to be a long story.
Taking time to think
Sometimes taking a short pause to think is okay. You have to get comfortable with silence. Not every moment needs to be filled with something. A pause can make your message stronger and more intentional than always responding quickly without thinking.
Learning to pause and become more confident when there are moments of silence, instead of feeling like it is always awkward, can make the conversation feel more relaxed in the end. Sometimes, if you need to give yourself some time to think before responding, you may also use a short phrase such as, “That is interesting.” This may give off the message that you are thinking about what is being said and may have more to say. And even if you don’t end up saying anything else, that is okay too.
Final Thoughts
The goal is to listen first, and then that will give you a lot of guidance on how to respond. Remember to ask questions, but also share something about yourself. Also remember that moments of silence are okay, and it is okay to take your time when responding.
Conversation skills are something that can be practiced and improved. It’s not about being the best speaker or the most interesting person. The goal should be to have meaningful exchanges with others where we feel comfortable and confident and allow the conversation to flow naturally. This will allow us to make more genuine connections with others and become more approachable, while also making others more comfortable approaching us in future conversations.
